Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Angel Baby - Updated

Now, this has nothing to do with quilting, sewing, or anything crafty. It's more of a personal post. Totally understand if you don't want to read it.

5 years ago at the beginning of this month would have been when our second child would have been born. It was and is still something that bothers me. This child became an Angel the week of Christmas 2005. I still vividly remember a dream that I had just 2 weeks before this happened. I was holding the hand of a small child (maybe 2 yrs old) with downs syndrome and we began walking up a staircase that seemed to go on forever. When we made it to the top of the stairs there was this older man who reached out his hand to the child. I was hesitant, but felt a comforting warmth and he told me it was ok. The child took the older mans hand and walked away with him through a door. I could hear the laughter of many children playing behind that door and felt reassured that the child would be happy and safe. At that time I didn't understand what that dream was about. It wasn't until I found out that my baby had died inside of me that I had this feeling that it was God trying to reassure me and prepare me for what happened. I am at peace knowing that my baby is in a good place.

My problem is I haven't been able to accept that my cousin would be allowed to keep her baby. She continues to pronounce (or whatever) that she is a Christian/born again Christian. So according to the Bible her child was conceived in sin (pregnant out of marriage...making her a hypocrite) and I had to lose mine. I have since wavered in my faith. I had found out in early January that I had lost the baby we moved back to Kentucky in March (the day after my cousin got home from having her baby). Everyone was so happy and flaunting the baby all around and seemed extremely offended that I refused to hold the baby. Apparently everyone seemed to have forgotten I had just lost a baby. I think that has added to my hurt. I can not get past that and I don't know how to move on to a more positive view. I know that it is both irrational and illogical to blame her, but that is all I can seem to do. I know that if I had that child, we wouldn't have had our oldest daughter. I have never wished we didn't have her, instead we are very thankful for having her.

 Which brings me to this. My cousin is having her second child's baby shower the same month that would have been my child's birthday AND on the day that would have been my late grandmother's birthday. I was very close to my grandmother and I believe I was her favorite. I feel like this is a double slap in the face. I can not bring myself to go. I'm going to make a quilt for the baby because I know that it isn't the child's fault, but I can not be there to celebrate the pregnancy of another illegitimate child on my grandmother's birthday.

I have thought about this and I just can not come to a reasonable answer about this. If any of you that have actually read this far, have suggestions I am open. I need an unbiased opinion. Also, don't worry about hurting my feelings. I do try to have an open mind.

2:58 pm Addition to above:

I just wanted to thank Beth again for your great email. I thought over that as I was at the dentist and it seemed to have helped lift some of the fog I was in. I know this needs to be resolved and I am struggling to find a productive way. I've stepped back several times trying to look at it from all angles and perspectives (being the problem solver I usually am), but I think it's just so personal that I am having a hard time letting go of the hurt. My husband tells me a lot that I am the most open minded of my family. It's just crazy how I can't seem to get over this. :-(


jomaj said...

I had a very similar dream, under similar circumstances. WOW. That being said, make a quilt if you want to, but skip the shower in good conscience. I haven't been to one in years and I feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever. If they ask, tell them it is just a difficult time for you and you aren't up to it. Then walk away.

Sharon Pernes said...

Amanda, I too lost a baby and have had similar feelings to you. I won't go into my personal beliefs (but will in a private email if you want) about choices others have made, but I will tell you that you need to be true to yourself. I know going to the baby shower, even now almost 25 years after losing Eric, would be hard for me. So my advise for you is to follow your heart and do what you think you can handle. If that means not attending the shower, that's you choice and shame on anyone that judges you for that. My belief is that when dealing with the loss of a child you have to be selfish. No parent should have to bury or in your case lose a baby. I'm here if you want to talk about this some more.

CaraQuilts said...

Sweet heart I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. As you know I've lost a child as well. And my family is also incredibly insensitive.
I have no answers for you. I have no reasons or great words of wisdom to help you come to terms with the unfairness of life. And I think that is the problem. You want to honour and understand and those around you aren't helpful in that process.
There is no rhyme or reason for why some lose children and others are allowed the great gift of them, whether we think they are deserving or not.

I'm always available if you ever want to talk.
Hugs and prayers to you.